This week's reframe is about understanding our reactive agreement and disagreement patterns.

Episode Transcript

The Receiving Feedback Fallback card states, "You do not need to immediately agree or disagree when you get challenging feedback. You only need to acknowledge receiving it." And the card invites you to memorize what's called the feedback fallback phrase. It's a neutral phrase for when you feel stunned, something like, "I need some time to process that. Can we return to this later today?"

So let's spend a moment with what this card is really addressing. When receiving feedback, especially from someone who holds more power in the relationship, a manager, a mentor, many of us default to immediately agreeing with it. And if we genuinely do agree with it, that's fine.

But sometimes the feedback is complex, challenging, we haven't fully processed it yet, and still we find ourselves nodding along, agreeing, thanking them as a way to dial down the tension in the conversation or to make sure the giver knows we appreciate their effort.

There are many reasons why some of us do this, and we could spend hours exploring the roots of it, but the point of this card isn't to dig into why.

The point is to notice whether this might be a habit of yours, because once you see it, you can then address it. Now, some of us go the opposite route. We receive feedback on an area where we could improve, and even if it was delivered relatively well, our fists are metaphorically up and we're ready to throw down.

Again, before we've truly had a chance to process what was said, before we've genuinely decided whether we agree or disagree, we're ready... We're already defending.

We make up a reason for why we did the thing. We might blame someone or something. We also just might flat out deny it happened. Both of those responses, the instant yes and the instant no, share the same problem.

As you're probably seeing here, they are reactions made before any real processing has occurred. And challenging feedback, the kind of feedback that might be hard to implement, might be about an area we thought we were doing well in, and so it might be especially hard to hear, deserves processing. This processing phase is vital and why it has its own suit in the deck.

This in-the-moment receiving of feedback is where the feedback fallback phrase comes in. Having a neutral memorized phrase ready means that in the moment you feel stunned, you don't have to generate a response from scratch while your mind is racing. You simply say, "I need some time to process that. Can we return to this later today?"

Those two short sentences can do a ton of work. They acknowledge the feedback. They signal respect to the giver. And depending on the urgency and other factors, they buy you the one thing that challenging feedback requires most, which is time. That's card 02 of the receiving feedback suit. If you recognize yourself in either pattern, the quick agree or the quick defend, try preparing your fallback phrase before your next feedback conversation.

Having those words ready might give you a bit more confidence, a bit more ability to stay in the present rather than defaulting to reacting.