This week's reframe covers when (and why) to state your intent before giving challenging feedback.

Episode Transcript

The Giving Feedback Intent card states, "State your positive intent. If the receiver assumes you don't have their best interest in mind, even great feedback may not land well." And the card invites you to use what's called the preface, something like, "I'm sharing this because I believe in what you're doing, and I think one thing could make it even better."

Let's spend a moment with what this card is really asking of us. Feedback givers often assume the receiver already believes they have their best interest in mind. But as we cover throughout the receiving feedback suit, receiving can be hard, in part because of the many dimensions of fear that can arise.

That includes the fear that maybe the giver doesn't have your best interest in mind at all. And when there's a significant power difference in the relationship, that fear can escalate into something bigger. Could be the belief that this feedback might mean you're on the path to getting fired, for example.

So there are occasions when a simple preface stating your positive intent out loud can be incredibly helpful. For a teacher or a coach, making sure your student or player knows you believe in them and what they're doing can be one of the most important things you vocalize before delivering challenging feedback.

But, and this is where I think the card gets more interesting, context is everything. If you said this preface every single time, it would lose its value. Honestly, it would just be weird. And used verbatim among peers, it could even come across as condescending. So while stating your positive intent is a solid general rule to hold in place, part of growing into a great giver of feedback is developing discernment, knowing what form that intent should take, whether it should be spoken at all, when, and how to frame it for the particular relationship in front of you.

Here's what that looks like in practice. So if I had a student who I knew was struggling with confidence but who was excelling on a project, I might preface my feedback exactly as this card suggests, like word for word. But if I've been working with student for three years and through countless hours of collaboration, I've already expressed that belief in various ways, I might skip the preface entirely and simply let them know I have some feedback and ask them if it's a good time to receive it.

Same principle, different forms. The discernment is the skill. So that's card zero two of the giving feedback suit. Before your next feedback conversation, take a moment to consider what the receiver might be assuming about your intent. You may find that a, a single sentence offered at the right moment changes how everything after it lands.